Defense Mechanisms - February 7, 2008
When mothers forget their sons' birthday for the 3rd time in four years they engage in numerous defense mechanisms to deal with the inevitable guilt that follows. Defense mechanisms are psychological maneuvers that allow us to distort reality which in turn protect us from emotional pain. Although we should generally steer clear of overanalyzing others, let's learn some common defense mechanisms through the use of a recent telephone call transcript.
Mother: Robert, I was calling to tell you that my therapist says I'm just about ready to stop therapy, that I'm quite emotionally healthy.
Robert: You forgot my birthday again.
Mother: What? I did no such thing. (Denial: rejecting a fact despite evidence to the contrary)
Robert: Yes you did.
Mother: When was it?
Robert: Yesterday.
Mother: But yesterday was the Super Bowl.
Robert: I know, every seven years the Super Bowl and my birthday are the same day.
Mother: Did you enjoy the game? (Suppression: intentionally avoiding thoughts that are uncomfortable)
Robert: Are you going to apologize?
Mother: It's not like it was a landmark birthday like your 21st or 30th. (Intellectualization: focusing on objective details in an emotional situation).
Robert: You forgot both of those too. It really hurts my feelings when you do this. The mother and son bond is one that is too precious to be...
Mother: Don't be so dramatic. I didn't break your arm in an act of child abuse, I just forgot your birthday. What do you want me to do, say I'm the worst mother in the world? Shout it from the tree tops? "I'm the worst mother in the world!!!!!" Like that? (Regression: returning to a younger or more immature stage of life).
Robert: Just an apology would be fine.
Mother: Did anyone else forget?
Robert: No, just you. Everyone else remembered.
Mother: If anyone should feel guilty it's you, giving me such a hard time about this. (Projection: attributing your own emotion to another person)
Robert: I think you are the one who feels guilty.
Mother: Alright, maybe a little.
Robert: Well I accept your apology if there is one.
Mother: Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? (Compensation: working harder to overcome real or imagined weaknesses).
Robert: Other than an apology? How about a Wii?
Mother: I don't know what that is but it sounds expensive so how about a gift card? Your cousin gave me one for some store. Best Buy I think.
Robert: That's how you're making this up to me? Re-gifting?
Mother: I'll mail it out whenever I get around to it. Oh and Happy Belated. Bye.
I assumed that the apology would never come. I got an email the next day, however:
'Robert, you are a bright, special boy, and I will get that Wee [sic] game for your birthday because good children deserve good things like fudge and games and Pokemon. Please don't be mad at me. Someday you will be successful.'
Her verbal skills have always surpassed her writing abilities. If I were eleven years old that email would have made my day. At 36 I think I'll still take it, as I'm pretty sure I know what she means.
Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 1:00 AM
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Your mother reads your site, doesn't she? ;)
Posted by: EgosRested at February 7, 2008 03:17 AM
I love me some pokemans
Posted by: Matt at February 7, 2008 03:17 AM
Well, happy birthday \o/
Posted by: Gordon at February 7, 2008 06:13 AM
Happy Birthday Dude!
Once again you supply evidence as to why you are in therapy!
Nature vs. Nuture... either way your parents fucked you up!
Dr. Rob Note: Well I woulnd't go THAT far...
Posted by: Anonymous at February 7, 2008 10:56 AM
Happy belated birthday!
Posted by: Blank at February 7, 2008 12:00 PM
Happy belated birthday Dr. Rob. You'll end up on the winning side of this if you end up with a Wii. It is highly entertaining.
Btw, your mom is highly entertaining.
Posted by: Charles at February 7, 2008 12:12 PM
Dude, I'm sorry that I didn't know (or forgot?) your birthday was as recent as it was. Happy Birthday bro and go Giants...right? : ) That e-mail was funny. Appropriate for an 11-year old, yes.
Posted by: Wayland at February 7, 2008 02:23 PM
Hahahahaha... that's classic. Leave it to the first generation that grew up with video games to ask for a gaming console at 36. I also loved her email.
Posted by: Matt at February 7, 2008 03:43 PM
A Wii would more than make up for a missed birthday or four. But let's not forgive so easily... hold out for the fudge and Pokemon. And happy belated birthday.
Also: is 6 defense mechanisms in one conversation a personal best for her? If so I congratulate her on that.
Posted by: Ric at February 7, 2008 05:55 PM
Excellent post. Happy Birthday, and you're already successful in my eyes!
Posted by: Rat Fink at February 7, 2008 06:22 PM
Just got a "Wee" myself - good choice! Just make sure not to throw out your back...That bowling game is killer!
Oh, and happy belated birthday.
Posted by: Alainne at February 7, 2008 07:19 PM
I've had very similar conversations with my mother. I still wish I'd said "yes" when asked if I wanted her to shout she was the worst mother in the world from the rooftops. She's not, of course, but I love to call her bluff.
Posted by: Danielle at February 7, 2008 08:53 PM
I wish I got fudge and games and Pokemon for my birthday...
Posted by: Jenna at February 7, 2008 09:40 PM
aww damn happy belated birthday!
I can't forget anybody's birthdays. Once they become important enough for me I plaster their day on the calendar. Mostly though they stay on because of my husband's lack of a memory.
Posted by: Amber at February 7, 2008 11:05 PM
You share the same birthday with my sister!
Posted by: Anonymous at February 8, 2008 01:12 AM
Does your mom not think you're successful yet??
Happy Birthday! You should get an Asus Eee instead.
Posted by: darkmatterhari at February 8, 2008 04:04 AM
Happy B-day DocRob!! Sorry about your mum... I can't even imagine my mum forgetting my birthday...I think I would curl up into a ball and die..honestly could care less about anyone else forgetting my birthday...but your mom? Sheesh she's a nutter. But a Wii yay! And yes...if you get one watch the bowling game...my arms (because I used both when one got tired) were sore for weeks.
Posted by: Maggy at February 8, 2008 07:18 AM
Dr. Rob,
Don't feel bad, my kids have a mom like the one you're painting in this post. And they're in the 8-5 age group.
Hopefully your Dad loves you.
That's how we get past that one at my house.
Posted by: Ten Percenter at February 8, 2008 06:40 PM
Awww, Dr. Rob... I just want to pat your little 11 yr old head.
Ps. I WILL get back to you about the art therapy thing... but it seems I have more time to spend stumbling than doing anything actually valuable. ;)
Posted by: Joy at February 8, 2008 11:22 PM
Sounds like freud would have had a field day with this one...
Posted by: T at February 9, 2008 06:49 PM
This is adorable. Two things: 1. Your mom calls you Robert? And 2. I'd trade a lifetime of forgotten birthdays for a Wii anytime. Let me know when/if it shows up. I'm coming over.
Posted by: Donika at February 11, 2008 01:41 PM
dang, no one in my family forgets MY birthday. Of course, me and my dad share the same birthday. But that has nothing to do with it, of course.
Posted by: Ploin at February 14, 2008 01:30 AM
Dude, that's way weird... my birthday was on the third.
I'm also a psych major looking to one day become an awesome mental health professional like yourself.
Posted by: Jamie at March 15, 2008 12:19 AM
Haha, my mom still talks to and about me like that.
I'm 22, but with her support, I might be able to make Ramen on the stove all by myself!
Posted by: sara at June 14, 2008 11:50 PM
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