On the Couch: The Stuff White People Like Interview - June 30, 2008

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to make people laugh. As a young boy I asked my mother "what's the key to having a good sense of humor?"

"Being able to have a laugh at yourself," she said. "Without being able to poke fun at yourself you'll never have a great sense of humor. You're also a tremendous disappointment to your father and I so please leave me alone."

She was right about that. The sense of humor part that is. And as a pseudo-young, Caucasian male it's important to have a lighthearted view of myself and my fellow white people.

To that end we have with us today Christian Lander, author of the popular website StuffWhitePeopleLike.com and soon-to-be best-selling book. Mr. Lander joins us to discuss the subtle yet complex intricacies of the psychology of being a white person.

Your new book is an investigative guide into the Caucasian being. Can you give us a glimpse into the 'Psychology of Whiteness' that you describe in your work?

It's hard to provide a glimpse using only words. I think the best way to do it is to watch an Obama rally and really observe the people. Failing that, a trip to a Farmer's Market or San Francisco will do more to delve into the psychology of white people than my words ever could.

I'm often told that I'm "pretty fly for a white guy." I believe this is a compliment and thus it pleases me but what exactly does it mean?

Though some would say it means that white people can only achieve a basic level of 'fly,' it actually is a person telling you that they enjoy Offspring. It could be your key into future friendships or relationships with that white person.

I know white people who are constantly liking things. Just the other day my good friend Dr. Allison said to me, "I'd like you to please go away. You're annoying." Do white people ever stop or is this just an endless cycle of pathological liking? In fact is there anything white people don't like?

White people do not like non-organic food, low property values, sending their children to public schools, and many more things. White people also like to use the word 'like' because love is too strong a word, and "like" reminds them of middle school relationships.

It's no secret that white people love etiquette. Let's suppose that a white person, after a long day of shopping at IKEA, visits a local Starbucks. But rather than simply order a Vente Latte the white person also wants Altoids. Because those are strategically placed next to the Celine Dion CD's the white person naturally buys one to hear her mellifluous, Canadian voice. The total is $20.14. Having just come from the Chase ATM, however, the white person only has $20 bills. Is it acceptable to pay the sum with two of these bills or does the white person have an obligation to buy a copy of Tuesdays with Morrie to bring the total to a more reasonable $35.60?

Ha! Trick question! As I point out in the book, white people do not carry cash! This would be easily put on their Amazon Visa and they would collect essential reward points. Also, advanced level white people would never buy anything by Mitch Albom.

One of the things I, a white person, truly like is wine. However I prefer red wine as opposed to white. Is there some strange psychological irony at play here or am I reading too much into it?

Many white people associate white wine with white trash, while they associate red wine with France and Italy (two very desirable things!).

So true, France and Italy are pretty great. Now we all know that white people love music and are probably the most knowledgeable about the subject. The question I pose to you is who is the rockingest of all the hard-core rockers out there: Dave Matthews or John Mayer?

This is tough because both artists are so beloved by "the wrong kind" of white people. The truthful answer is that the best, hardest rocking band is the one that I have heard of but you haven't.

Most of us are aware of the acute oppression that the white person has suffered over the centuries. When will the day come that a white individual can simply enjoy his ascot, brunch or Gap Gift Card without fear of reprisal?

The problem is that the reprisal and hatred come from within. So white people will only escape their oppression when there are no more white people.

As a white person I enjoy a good roasting of my peeps. Why do you suppose people are able to make fun of their own race, color or creed without being labeled "racist?" And is there a message that white supremacists should take from your lampooning of white people?

I suppose you can go after your own race since you've earned credibility by being born into it. As for white supremacists, I suppose they could learn how to infiltrate the white society that they hate so much and then I guess destroy it from the inside. Although, in my experience with white supremacists (limited), they have not been particularly crafty.

Christian, thanks for joining me today to embrace our whiteness. This is great stuff. I'd like to take you out for a ride now in my brand new Volkswagon Jetta as a show of gratitude.

Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 8:00 PM

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Comments

Great interview, Dr. Rob! I laughed my white arse off, despite learning that my preference for white wine reflects poorly on my taste. I think I might be safe from the "white trash" label, though, because I highly covet the Amazon.com Visa card.

Posted by: Rosie at July 1, 2008 11:02 AM

He's got the rich white people down, but what about the poor white people like me?

Posted by: Rick at July 1, 2008 01:12 PM

Wow, I have a new blog to check obsessively. Thanks Rob xD

Posted by: Gabrielle at July 1, 2008 11:21 PM

I love your interviews, Dr. Rob!

Rick, the "poor white people like you," are what Christian considers white trash.

John Mayer has quite the array of fans: white, black, brown, yellow and red. When I first started attending his events, the majority of Mayer's music goers were white teeny-bopperish retards, but I've been John's biggest fan for 6 loyal years. If one attended a recent concert, he or she would witness a potpourri of music lovers. C'mon, males at a JM concert are practically guaranteed to get laid; it's better than Spanish Fly or GHB. Seriously, not just the "wrong kind of white people" enjoy this musical virtuoso as Lander incorrectly states! After all, there are no "wrong kind of white people" when white is right.

Posted by: M at July 2, 2008 12:15 AM

Dear God in Heaven, this interview just demonstrated that I'm not near as white as I thought I was. I think a bunch of white criteria here involves being over 35 though, so I could just be waiting to mature into true whiteness.

Posted by: jess hutcheson at July 2, 2008 10:32 AM

It's awesome that one of my favourite blogs is mentioned my other favourite blog.

For some reason my professor is giving us recipes to cook in our class slides. I really should start writing down all the weird things that happen in class.

He's a pretty cool prof though (and doesn't show trial videos).

Posted by: Lauren at July 2, 2008 05:23 PM

Man, good thing I'm not white. Puerto Ricans rock the house!! Now where'd I put my knife...??!!?

Posted by: Maggy at July 2, 2008 09:09 PM

In all honesty, I dislike this entire concept (of Course I do - I'm a "Borderline" - habitually angry, even at folks who just wanna have some good, innocent White-related fun. I Can't have White-related fun. It must be Black OR White-related fun, with types like Me). Also, I think this is a Class thing more than a White thing. As such, I can feel a seething, class-based resentment welling up inside of me...either that, or I need my meds adjusted. (I guess I need to be On them, first, to even Use that excuse, though. But what is the point, when compliance is so abysmally unlikely to occur, I ask you)? And NOW: I will, in a truly petty display of spite, with no small amount of pointless hostility thrown in (and also due to a rather poignant attempt at compensation for low self-esteem over my vulgar and coarse class situation), sign my latest entry on Doc Rob's blog as "Borderline Beatrice", instead of the usual "Betty". (This signage-change is also connected to my rapidly fragmenting sense of self, which, I will tell you All right now, just Hates to be confined to something as Unimportant as a consistent and unchanging first name). Beatrice has a Much more Classy sound than Betty, anyway. Although, I may go back to Betty. I can't tell, yet. I have to wait until my hurtful rage at Doc Rob, (for finding this White-stuff funny), subsides. That might take a while. (Although I Did find his question, which involved Mitch Albom, to be entertaining, I grudgingly admit). In the meantime, as the frothy anger churns away at me, I'm Very Open to suggestions for other, classy sounding names to go after "Borderline". Except they must ALL start with a B!!!!!!! (Guess I've got a wee touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder, too. Either that, or I just like alliteration).:)

Posted by: Borderline *Beatrice* at July 3, 2008 07:52 AM

How about Borderline Batty?

Posted by: Maggy at July 3, 2008 06:59 PM

"Borderline Batty". Hmmm, a most Clever suggestion! I will take it into consideration. Thanks, Maggot! Ooops!!! Naturally, I meant: Maggy. Please Forgive me. (I must endeavor to try to watch that hostility 'o mine. It's most troubling to me. My therapist and I are, like, soooo working on it. I fear, however, that my progress is not yet the triumphal achievement We Both so deeply yearn for.:).

Posted by: Borderline Betty at July 7, 2008 06:57 AM

I noticed at a young age I was the only white kid who carried a balled-up hunk of bills (no wallet)with me to go buy crap because my parents were horrible with money and so I fear the plastic.

But now being older, I needed a credit card.......and yes, it's a Amazon.com Visa card.

Posted by: J at July 7, 2008 02:50 PM

Hahahaha, Borderline Batty you crack me up. You do realize that Maggot isn't the only way you can change my name. Include all the rhyming words with Maggy they're so much worse. Baggy, faggy, saggy, haggy, naggy, shaggy fee fi fo Maggy! =P

I have no trouble making fun of my own name.

Maybe your shrink should start helping you put capital letters in the right places in your sentences. Just a suggestion.

Posted by: Maggy at July 8, 2008 02:01 AM

Yes, Waggy, you are right: the Proper Capitalization of letters is a Crucial(!) issue we are, at present, working on in therapy (it's an Uphill battle, let me Tell you, what with the poor grammar to contend with, as well. I blame my folks, natch. They Always threw around capitalized Words and poorly constructed sentences like it was Nothing (and curse words as Well, Laggy).
I ask, however, Not for your Pity. But Rather: for your Empathy, my dearest Saggy. i KNOW you have that. I can sense it. (The Borderlines are So Astute at sensing things, shaggy).

Posted by: Borderline Betty at July 9, 2008 02:49 PM