You're right, parents do often repeat what they know. But some are polar opposites because of what they know.

Dr. Rob Note: Those are often pretty insightful parents.

I have to disagree from the beginning of your post. Someone may be doing the best they can and still suck at what they're doing. And that their methods are demonstrably ineffective, yet they persist in using them, is only more evidence that they're shitty parents.

I'm sure you have some younger clients who have troubles unrelated to their parents. This has not been my experience. From what I have seen, 9 out of ten kids who habitually make bad decisions have shitty parents and these kids' problems are directly traceable to their parents.

I grew up in a relatively affluent environment, but have worked with underprivileged kids since high school and it seems to track across the board economically. I write only because I don't see the problem getting better until the problem of chronic bad parenting is addressed and not glossed over by saying someone is doing the best they can. If that pisses off the bad parents, too bad.

Dr. Rob Note: I've done more than my fair share of parent bashing but at this stage of the game I see other factors as well. Some might argue that the parents are the cause of those factors as well. That's another 10 posts right there.

Dr. Rob- I really like this post! When I taught 11th grade, The Great Santini was part of the curriculum--the father is a good example of authoritarian parenting. I had them write a paper about it, then choose which of Baumrind's parenting style they were raised in and which style they would raise their children in, blah, blah, blah. Every student basically bashed their parents and said they would raise their future children in an authoritative style. Which seems obvious to smart people, but I used to think it was interesting how even though they pretend to want the "cool" parents, they're really looking for fairness and consistency wrapped in a red bow and an "I'm proud of you."

Dr Rob,

I liked this post, thanks.

Kudos to Michelle for a great comment.

Why is it that, of the four parenting styles described, there's only one positive one?

Dr. Rob Note: This model demonstrates the limits of categories and labels in psychological research.

The TSB thing made me laugh. Thanks for the post. I'll be sure to check up on Baumrind's research now.

Good read.

I've wondered what signs can tip you off to what kind of parent you'll be. I have a little sister that is 15 years younger than me and I've always been very Authoritarian. I'm curious if this is indictive of how I'll parent of just from being me being an older brother with a younger sister.

"Try not to go bashing your parents if they had a negative parenting style that you recognize in this post. Instead try to consider if they were doing the best they knew how. "

Hmmm, I *DO* try to have this tolerant, understanding sort of attitude. Still, it Is a bit challenging to (completely) forgive dear, old Mom & Dad for screwing me up so badly. Of course, I Do realize, with Utmost Compassion, that the twisted Demons I called "Mom" and "Pa" did not really know any better. It's Not their fault, at All, for all that crazy, ritualistic stuff (and so forth) that they put me through. They were only doing the Very Best they could do! Plus, look on the bright side: I'm actually *less* screwed up than they were, so: Progress! In fact, if *I* ever have any kids, They will probably be even Less screwed up than Me! Someday, my family will be *entirely normal*, if we all just keep busily propagating on down the line. Except, honesty compels me to admit a rather difficult truth: I am the only *Semi* normal one in my entire family! So: maybe *not*. Ye gads, what a horrifying thought, anyway. To be normal is to be bland. To be normal is to be a conformist. Down with normal. Oh Wow, a Stunning Realization has *Just* hit me! I now feel *Authentically* grateful and forgiving to the 'rents!! I am actually quite Glad for the hideously warped, twisted, absolutely Hellish Legacy, with which precious, deardeardear Mater and Pater have bequeathed to me!!! It's actually the most Precious Gift, their love, demented as it was - and Is! (A Profound Breakthrough is happening, here, no)? This legacy of childhood Horror has undeniably made me the Borderline Betty that everyone around me knows and Loves and Craves to be with - (were they only to admit the Truth and be Honest! for once in their lying, pathetic lives). Yes indeed, they All want to be with Me at All hours of Each day and Each night, Every Single day of Every Single month of Every Single year. Of course, I *Do* have to (also, it must be admitted) put up with a great deal of jealousy from these very same others (as well as Quite a bit of unreasonable Hostility from them), yet this is a very Small price to pay for being so Special! "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", as they say!:)

I always teased my kid, and said, honey, I'm crazy but I'm doing you a favor, when you go to therapy the issue will be easy, and banal...it's your mother! You guys can clear it up real quick that way, and you can save a ton of money.

On the serious side, do you think that a parent can swing toward one side or the other based on the interaction of the personalities involved? My son is cheerful and even-tempered, he has always been able to be reasoned with. Since my preferred style was to tell him what was going to happen, have it happen and discuss it with him while it was, and try to set up a reliable routine, we had a good match. He seems to be headed for a successful adulthood, performing well in college and managing his relationships well.

But I wonder what would have happened if I had a more volatile child? What if timeouts just didn't work? I'm not sure I had a lot more tools my arsenal. Is there sometimes an unfortunate mismatch that pushes a parent toward a less effective parenting style? It's hard for me to tell because I only have one child.