For as long as I can remember I have wanted to make people laugh. As a young boy I asked my mother "what's the key to having a good sense of humor?"
"Being able to have a laugh at yourself," she said. "Without being able to poke fun at yourself you'll never have a great sense of humor. You're also a tremendous disappointment to your father and I so please leave me alone."
She was right about that. The sense of humor part that is. And as a pseudo-young, Caucasian male it's important to have a lighthearted view of myself and my fellow white people.
To that end we have with us today Christian Lander, author of the popular website StuffWhitePeopleLike.com and soon-to-be best-selling book. Mr. Lander joins us to discuss the subtle yet complex intricacies of the psychology of being a white person.
Your new book is an investigative guide into the Caucasian being. Can you give us a glimpse into the 'Psychology of Whiteness' that you describe in your work?
It's hard to provide a glimpse using only words. I think the best way to do it is to watch an Obama rally and really observe the people. Failing that, a trip to a Farmer's Market or San Francisco will do more to delve into the psychology of white people than my words ever could.
I'm often told that I'm "pretty fly for a white guy." I believe this is a compliment and thus it pleases me but what exactly does it mean?
Though some would say it means that white people can only achieve a basic level of 'fly,' it actually is a person telling you that they enjoy Offspring. It could be your key into future friendships or relationships with that white person.
I know white people who are constantly liking things. Just the other day my good friend Dr. Allison said to me, "I'd like you to please go away. You're annoying." Do white people ever stop or is this just an endless cycle of pathological liking? In fact is there anything white people don't like?
White people do not like non-organic food, low property values, sending their children to public schools, and many more things. White people also like to use the word 'like' because love is too strong a word, and "like" reminds them of middle school relationships.
It's no secret that white people love etiquette. Let's suppose that a white person, after a long day of shopping at IKEA, visits a local Starbucks. But rather than simply order a Vente Latte the white person also wants Altoids. Because those are strategically placed next to the Celine Dion CD's the white person naturally buys one to hear her mellifluous, Canadian voice. The total is $20.14. Having just come from the Chase ATM, however, the white person only has $20 bills. Is it acceptable to pay the sum with two of these bills or does the white person have an obligation to buy a copy of Tuesdays with Morrie to bring the total to a more reasonable $35.60?
Ha! Trick question! As I point out in the book, white people do not carry cash! This would be easily put on their Amazon Visa and they would collect essential reward points. Also, advanced level white people would never buy anything by Mitch Albom.
One of the things I, a white person, truly like is wine. However I prefer red wine as opposed to white. Is there some strange psychological irony at play here or am I reading too much into it?
Many white people associate white wine with white trash, while they associate red wine with France and Italy (two very desirable things!).
So true, France and Italy are pretty great. Now we all know that white people love music and are probably the most knowledgeable about the subject. The question I pose to you is who is the rockingest of all the hard-core rockers out there: Dave Matthews or John Mayer?
This is tough because both artists are so beloved by "the wrong kind" of white people. The truthful answer is that the best, hardest rocking band is the one that I have heard of but you haven't.
Most of us are aware of the acute oppression that the white person has suffered over the centuries. When will the day come that a white individual can simply enjoy his ascot, brunch or Gap Gift Card without fear of reprisal?
The problem is that the reprisal and hatred come from within. So white people will only escape their oppression when there are no more white people.
As a white person I enjoy a good roasting of my peeps. Why do you suppose people are able to make fun of their own race, color or creed without being labeled "racist?" And is there a message that white supremacists should take from your lampooning of white people?
I suppose you can go after your own race since you've earned credibility by being born into it. As for white supremacists, I suppose they could learn how to infiltrate the white society that they hate so much and then I guess destroy it from the inside. Although, in my experience with white supremacists (limited), they have not been particularly crafty.
Christian, thanks for joining me today to embrace our whiteness. This is great stuff. I'd like to take you out for a ride now in my brand new Volkswagon Jetta as a show of gratitude.
Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 8:00 PM