Dr. Rob,
In your post, 'Listen Up, Parents', you state that it's never a good idea to pull a child out of therapy without closure. I definitely agree but I wonder if there are certain parenting styles that are good or bad for kids. Are there specific styles and what types of parents are the best to work with?
TSB
Behind closed doors shrinks often bash parents for their kids' problems. It's very tempting to do because it gives a sense of clinical satisfaction. "Ah, so this is why he's like that." However, the reality is that most (not all, but most) parents are doing the best that they can with what tools they have. It's easy to say that parents are the sole cause of what's wrong with their kids but until you raise children you can't appreciate how difficult it is. That's why I don't have them. I'm fairly certain I would screw it up more than almost every relationship I've ever had. I'm like Midas when it comes to relationships. Except in the bad way.
Without playing the blame game I do ask parents to make many changes in their parenting styles when I work with children. Sometimes they listen, sometimes not, and the therapeutic results are directly influenced based on what the parents can and will do.
When it comes to parental approaches I tend to think of Diana Baumrind's research in the field of specific parenting style and development:
Authoritarian: these parents are usually very demanding yet very unresponsive toward their children. Obedience is stressed and punishment (whether it be physical or through threats or withholding) are used to gain compliance. Baumrind reports that children who grow up with this approach are often irritable and aggressive with low self-esteem/low academic achievement. In my experience this style is extremely difficult to change because the parents who espouse this approach were often raised that way themselves. "Hey it worked for me, it'll work for Tommy." The counter argument is that parenting is not one size fits all but that is usually rejected. The second argument is "well if your approach is working so well then why is your kid in therapy," but that usually leads to an insult about my small office or a comment about my baby-face or some (minor) physical flaw.
Permissive: these parents tend to be warm and caring but don't make any demands at all on their kids. This can lead to impulsivity and self-centeredness. Jack's mother adopted this style (remember her laissez-faire approach to sexuality and other facets of adult relationships) yet facilitated an almost opposite effect: a perhaps too rationale and other-oriented person.
Rejecting-Neglecting: these parents are not demanding but also not very responsive toward their kids. They may often be hostile toward them. Baumrind states that these parents have kids with low self-esteem and are often moody and sometimes aggressive. A.J.'s parents possibly fit into this category although I never got to find out because A.J. thought I was a terrorist and ran unaccompanied into the dangerous New York City streets to escape playing Connect Four with me.
Authoritative: this is Dr. Rob's Gold Star of parenting styles, the Cloverfield monster of child-rearing. These parents combine rational control with being responsive. There are clear rules and standards set for their kids but these parents rely on praise, reasoning and explanation to gain compliance and encourage independence. Baumrind says that children of these parents are confident, responsible and achievement-oriented. This may come as a shock but my mother was basically an authoritative parent. And look how great I turned out!
The reality is that most parents do not neatly fit into a category and, even when they do, they may not stay there. Depending on innumerable factors parents may be permissive at some points and authoritative at others. And the results that Baumrind obtained in her research don't always translate to a particular child (see Jack). I have some children in my practice whom I can confidently say have authoritative parents who are easy to work with and could write parenting manuals better than Dr. Spock; yet these kids still have problems. Why? There is no single answer: genetics, school, peers, traumatic experiences, the media. All play a role in how a child develops. That's part of the challenge and frustration of being a Psychologist: you'll rarely, if ever, have that satisfying, "a ha" moment where you have the perfect cause and therefore the perfect solution to a client's problems.
Baumrind's research is pretty solid but human experience simply cannot be neatly categorized into a "you're this, you're that" approach. That was part of the reason why I was critical of the DSM-IV. Personality is fluid, people change and hardly ever perfectly fit the models and labels we assign. That's what makes Psychology the most difficult field of study. That's what also makes it the best.
Try not to go bashing your parents if they had a negative parenting style that you recognize in this post. Instead try to consider if they were doing the best they knew how. Or at least wonder about how they were raised. Parents often repeat what they know. The results of parenting are rarely perfect but the intent is usually there.
And that's one to grow on.
Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 5:27 AM