When people report success with group work they usually speak of what is known as 'Universality.' Clients will often say "It felt good to know that I'm not the only one with this problem," "I felt very accepted by the other members," or "It helps to be able to talk things through with people who understand, people who are struggling with this as well." The therapist or group leader's main responsibility is to facilitate group cohesiveness and disclosure to bring about the Universality phenomenon.
One important attribute for a group leader to help maximize success is known as 'credibility,' of which I had none. My age (25), gender (male), marital status (single), prior number of groups conducted (zero) and practical experience working with sexual offenders (none) essentially made me the worst possible person for this endeavor.
The morning of the first group I decided to play up my strengths rather than focus on my weaknesses. Like Stuart Smalley I engaged in an affirmation that quickly turned sour:
You, Rob Dobrenski, are...a nice person. You are fairly tall and...take very good care of your teeth. You're a good listener. You know the basics of human behavior and what makes people tick. Someday you might be very good at sex offender work because you've been reading about it incessantly over the past few weeks. In fact you probably have a thousand more great qualities but your low I.Q. is preventing you from thinking of any of them. What the hell is wrong with you?? Shit! I'll never be successful. Why did my parents have to get divorced? It was probably my fault because I'm so ugly. Only a blind dog would ever love me. Possibly a starving cat.
When I finished crying I thought about the first part of my mantra. I am a good listener. At least when I'm working. And I know about behavior and the dynamics of human interaction. If I could bring that to the table I might be okay and the group could thrive. That confidence lasted about an hour and I went back to being a shaky mess.
This particular group was conducted in an open format, meaning that there was no specific beginning or end. It ran weekly with members joining as their significant others were being treated as well as leaving if the offender completed or was removed from treatment. My supervisor told me that some women never left the group because they benefited from it so much and saw it as an important ritual in coping with their somewhat unusual situation. On my first night some of the women were there for the first time but others were seasoned veterans.
No one in the group was required to reveal the specific nature of their significant other's offense but could if they so chose. Because I was simultaneously running the treatment group for the offenders as well (that's another story for another day) I had that information at my disposal. Usually having 10-15 members this first group had only six people. Four of the women were the spouses of pedophiles, one the wife of a voyeur and one woman's husband was a rapist.
The idea of even introducing myself to the group terrified me to the point that I spilled coffee on my khakis due to the shakes. They'll never respect me as a professional. I'm going to be laughed out of the room. I'm poor and I can't afford dry cleaning for these pants. I went with the most generic opening possible.
"Hello, ladies. My name is Rob Dobrenski. I'm going to be leading this group for the next several months. I'm a doctoral student and I'm also working with your spouses or significant others. Maybe we could go around the room and you could introduce yourself to me and anyone who is new to the group. Then we can talk about how we'd like to use our time together."
"I'm sorry," a woman said. "But do you mind telling us how old you are?"
Yes. I do. "I'm 25 years old."
"And do you have experience in this field?" another asked.
"Not really, no. This is a training experience for me."
"I don't even know why I need to be here," said a third woman, clearly at her first session. "But if I am stuck here I'd like to make it worthwhile. How can someone like you be of help?"
I went on to tell them about how good a listener I was, my understanding of group dynamics and my burgeoning knowledge of this particular area of psychology. Some of them looked a bit suspicious as I talked about Universality and how we could all contribute to make the group a successful one. After I was done I paused, waiting for one of them to take out a large rifle and shoot me with it, ending my miserable existence.
"Okay then," a woman said. "This isn't a job interview and I personally would like to make my time here productive. So let's get on with it and see if you can help this group. If not we'll just fire you."
And just like that she began to talk about herself and why she was there. The other women followed suit. And at that moment a reality set in: the women weren't too concerned about me, my schooling, my expertise or the stains on my pants. They were justifiably wrapped up in the chaos of their own lives. They just wanted me to lead the group to the best of my abilities. I was so hyper-focused on what they thought of me, all of which was horrible in my own head. It was like Reverse Narcissism or something one might see in Social Phobia. "They are all looking at me. I'm being judged. They will see I'm weak." Once I got out of that mindset, once my mind shifted with an almost audible 'click,' once I realized that I could stop the negative, albeit self-serving, thoughts I was able to focus on the task at hand. I still had little to no clue what I was doing but at least I could concentrate on learning and helping, which was what I was sent to do there in the first place.
To be continued...
Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 10:12 AM