Relationship Advice - September 13, 2007

In the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, author Tucker Max gives some very direct advice to women:

'Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people. Let a guy fuck you in the ass, cum on your back, drink all your beer and then leave, and he'll do it. But if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you.'

This same advice can be adapted for a man who is dealing with a woman (minus the cumming on the back part), as well as homosexual relationships. I see a lot of clients who become punching bags for the people they want to be close with, and many report the same difficulty: "I know I shouldn't let him/her do that, but I just can't stand up for myself." In other words, they intuitively recognize that Tucker's words ring true, but don't know how to put those words into practice. One helpful technique is to step back and think about why are these true statements, from a scientific standpoint.

Humans, by nature, have a work ethic. The "Law of Effect," developed by Edward Thorndike in the early 1900's, tells us that we tend to repeat behaviors that lead to satisfying outcomes. In other words, we do what feels good and leads us toward our goals.

In the short term, many of us tend to approach what is easy, and will repeat behaviors that lead to feeling good. A woman who serves as a doormat takes very little work to maintain (e.g., you don't have to be nice or respectful) and provides short-term satisfaction (free beer, anal sex, and an easily accessible sperm target). In the long-run, however, this tends to bore many of us. In the same vein, a woman may be initially attracted to a man who caters to her every whim and rarely stands up for himself, but ultimately she protests: "I want a man with a spine, someone I can't walk all over!"

Conversely, some people will sacrifice what feels good in the short-term for a potential greater goal in the more distant future. As an example, many people exercise not because they enjoy the workout itself, but because of both the health and cosmetic benefits of exercise in the near and distant future. In interpersonal relationships, the classic example, yet faulty thought process is "If I do what he/she wants, he/she is bound to respect and love me down the line."

Tucker's advice is clear: assert yourself and your needs. However, he also points out that this assertion is not risk-free: a man or woman may, in fact, walk away, seeking an easier short-term goal. Very often, however, this is the exact point where our work ethic kicks in: we ultimately want a challenge, we want someone who doesn't put up with the garbage we dish out, and by asserting yourself, you become that challenge.

What level of challenge do we ultimately seek? Studies done in the workplace suggest that humans thrive most by working toward "moderately difficult" goals. Consider how this might apply in interpersonal relationships: how often do we ultimately walk away from someone who doesn't challenge us in any way? Unless we're particularly lazy, a lot. At the same time, how often do we ultimately give up on the untamable "Bad Boy," or the gorgeous and sophisticated woman who is "out of our league?" Often. People tend to seek out and stay with partners who are fair, yet firm, and push us to be better. This person could be considered a moderate challenge.

The lesson here is that if you are having trouble following Tucker's advice, take a step back and think about our inner work ethic. This awareness and understanding of human behavior (both your own and the other person) can help you to make more informed choices about what is in your best interest. Ultimately, this will help not only protect your beer, back, and every orifice in your body, but will likely lead to more satisfying relationships.

Posted by Rob Dobrenski at 2:16 PM

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Comments

Dude, you need a little edge. I read all of these rudius sites, and I always check yours because it seems like a good idea for a blog - a shrink posting stories about the crazy stuff he hears/sees from clients. Your last few posts have been miiild.

Posted by: josh at September 13, 2007 04:50 PM

I like this. If only more people did this, there would be far less bad relationships polluting the social landscapes within our communities.

Posted by: Art at September 13, 2007 10:28 PM

This whole thing strikes me as odd. It's a great peice, I'm just saying that I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. And he's the "bad boy" with a heart I guess you would say. And all the things that tucker says not to do thats how we started out. Except I have a little bit more of strong will than he was describing. Somehow down the road we went the other way and are the most healthy happy relationship I've seen out of everybody I know. It just goes to show you that some people never fall into categories. I really need have a couple of my friends read this though because what you said could GREEEEATLY help their lives.

Posted by: Crystal at September 14, 2007 12:58 AM

Yeah. Well done for softening down a typically coarse and very "Tucker" statement there :D.

Nice article, well done. I find myself reading more and more of your blog. Keep writing, brother. Peace.

Posted by: Soren at September 14, 2007 01:19 PM

Good article. It's also interesting to think that in order to improve your relationships, you need to be a moderate challenge: then people will start chasing you, not the other way around... And perhaps being a "moderate challenge" can propel yourself to being able to chase that girl who was previously "out of your league".

Posted by: Kyle at September 14, 2007 04:58 PM

Yeah but dude, there's stuff like client confidentiality in the way of him just letting loose. He's given his full name (unless it's a pseudonym, and an unimaginative one at that), so yeah.

Besides, it took all of the Rudius sites a while to get on their feet. Give the guy a break.

Posted by: Soren at September 17, 2007 12:01 PM

I hope I can safely attest to the name of the author here, because it would be a real mind fuck if Rob Dobrenski was not his real name, as I am an actual client of his.

Perhaps there is no edge here, or at least it's inconsistent. But I think you all are getting a genuine taste of his therapeutic style here in his writing. During sessions Dr. Dobrenski's input can be thought provoking and engaging just like some of these stories. Other times his advice is totally lame and not worth revisiting ... just like some of these stories.

I'm gonna stick with the therapy for a bit longer to see if it gets interesting... you all should probably do the same with this column. If it really starts to suck bad I will be forced to say something truly appalling in session to give Dr. Dobrenski some new material.

Posted by: Anonymous at September 17, 2007 04:07 PM

I'd just like to say thanks for the substance. Most blogs are strictly entertainment with no substance. Entertainment

Posted by: Sarah at September 18, 2007 03:01 AM

Great story Dr. Rob! I'm going to definitely apply some assertiveness in my relationship. I think my boyfriend deserves a real a** whipping.

Posted by: Robin at September 18, 2007 12:16 PM