After you wrote this post for men I thought for sure we'd see a follow-up for the female readers, something to help us in our relationships with our boyfriends. And yet, nothing! Do I have to go to Dr. Phil for good advice?

Lynn

Let the word go forth and make no mistake: if anyone here takes Dr. Phil's advice over mine, she will be banned from this website forever, never to return. Banished for life.

A few years ago a large portion of my clientele was women, aged 21-35 or so. Most of them had what seemed to be potentially great relationships with their boyfriends. However, all the women had a common feature: a need for excessive attention from their boyfriends and a constant reassurance of the relationship's stability.

On the grounds of the hospital were lots of groundhogs who seemed to patrol the campus, almost like sentinels. My fellow students and I called them Land Monsters [1]. We often tried to pet them - despite the potential diseases they carried - but they would never allow us to get too close before scurrying off to safer pastures. But when you saw them from your office chewing on leaves or grass, you felt at peace. Top notch training, a killer office, wild beasts running amok. This is what it's all about.

One day I received a call from a client who was an avid animal lover. Her cat had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had only a short time to live. She lived at least an hour away and since I only had a small number of open therapy slots that day it seemed prudent to have a telephone session right then and there.

The next day I got a call from the man's mother. She was equally upset because the surgical team had, in fact, decided to delay surgery. I immediately explained to her the following:

- Because her son was an adult, I was unwilling to go into extensive detail about her son's case. He could explain that information to her himself should he choose to.

- Her son was not disqualified from having the procedure; rather, that he was required to have further counseling to make him a more viable surgical candidate.

- I was not a "dripping gay wad," whatever that meant.

Rather than listening to my points, however, she simply called me a charlatan and accused me of purposely denying her son the chance to have multiple medical problems corrected for my own personal gain [2].

This is where I lost it. What possible motive, by any stretch of the imagination, would I have to temporarily deny a morbidly obese man a surgical procedure that would clearly improve both his health and quality of life? Why, on Earth, would I do such a thing? Because I'm against the procedure in general? If I were anti-surgery I wouldn't be part of a surgical weight loss team. Because I wanted to mandate further sessions with me for financial gain? Hardly. Not only do denied patients rarely come back to see me specifically due to being pissed off, but there are plenty of other Psychologists in this city who are better, cheaper and move conveniently located. Because I get off on making people angry? The man's name wasn't Dr. Steve so wrong again.

For those who are interested, Twitter will be the best way to hear quick updates on how the book is coming along.

Dr. Rob: At a young age I developed a knack for poking fun at myself without sacrificing dignity. I was lucky enough to know that I'm inherently flawed in many, many ways, so I thought by acknowledging my imperfections and having fun with them I could take away their potency. Ironically I think it helps my self-esteem. I always grapple with people who are elitists and narcissists because I'm constantly thinking, "everyone, except you of course, knows that you're just as fucked up as the rest of us. Why can't you see that?"

A small boy, three years old at most, started ambling toward me in that zigzag way toddlers walk. I don't think he was coming at me per se, as I'm told I give off a vibe to children that screams STAY AWAY! This is probably true because I'm very much afraid of small children. I can't exactly figure out why this is, although part of me thinks that if I come in contact with one and hold it, I'll end up dropping and breaking it.

The toddler wasn't in any real danger as we were on a secluded street without a lot of traffic. But as the child moved farther from his mother, she began to angrily shout. "You stop! If you don't come back here bad people will get you and hurt you and take you away forever!" The child started crying, turned around, and ran back.

I really wanted to punch the woman in the face. I loathe poor parenting, and this was uneducated child rearing at its worst. Yes, toddlers should not be roaming free along the streets of New York City. Yes, children are kidnapped every day. And yes, sometimes children are very recalcitrant, causing parents to lose their tempers. So what is the problem?

"What's the big deal? It's just sex. Fun sex! We should watch it together, spruce things up."

"Absolutely not! It's completely unhealthy and I don't want that in our lives."

Over and over, day after day. Ultimately the woman won out, as she simply watched porn when her husband wasn't home. It's not like he could stop her, so he simply tried his best to ignore that the issue existed. This, however, left him feeling bitter and resentful.

To: RDobrenski@aol.com
From: XXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Fuck!

A guy came into the office today for an initial appointment due to work problems. As we talked about his current situation, he mentioned that a positive in his life is his new girlfriend. Apparently he's been with this woman for about three months. As he started to describe her (e.g., job, personality, looks) I realized she sounded an awful lot like XXXXXX!!!!!!!! And, sure enough, when I asked him what her name was, he said, "XXXXXX!!!!!!!!" My patient is dating my ex-girlfriend! I didn't say anything to the guy and he's already made a 2nd appointment. What do you think? I'd ask you not to put this on your dumb website but I'm sure that's a waste of time.

Here is my reply:

1) They are bothering the client who is currently in my office
2) They are bothering me
3) I am in a very bad mood

Reason # 3 has only happened one time in my entire career, and I apologized soon afterwards. Numbers 1 and 2, though, aren't unheard of by any stretch. Therapists often use white noise makers or music in the waiting area to help drown out voices coming to and from the office. However some people, especially New Yorkers, easily overpower these feeble instruments, making it difficult for both client and therapist to focus on the problems being addressed. As soon as my concentration gets impaired because of outside noise, I immediately begin to perceive my client as being cheated. He paid for a session and deserves my full time and attention. That's when I tend to take out my can of Shut-Your-Mouth, open my office door and politely but firmly ask anyone in the waiting room to do shut up.

At the time John and I were in our fourth year of graduate training so we were considered experts in personality. Our job was to watch hours of video tape showing the students interacting together, both in group settings and one-on-one dialogues. Based on what we watched we too rated the students on the same personality variables. Comparing the students' initial takes on each other with both their later ratings as well as the "experts'" opinions would ideally shed some light on how accurate first impressions are.

John and I got together a few times per week in this small room (the "lab") on the top floor of our university's main building. We were actually in a tower and I would incessantly suggest that John let his long hair flow out the window like Rapunzel did. He never found it all that funny.

When we watched the tapes I put on a white lab coat that I had found in the closet. "You a real scientist now, Dobrenski?" John asked.

The original plan was to have my name on the door of the office suite within 2-3 business days. A week went by and nothing. I knocked on management's office door at that time and the superintendent of the office simply yelled through the door. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"It's Rob Dobrenski, I need you to..."

"WHO?"

"Rob Dobrenski, in Suite 705. I need you to put my name on both the suite door and the professional directory in the downstairs lobby so my clients can find me."

"WE ALREADY DID THAT."

I looked to my right and down the hall where my office is located. Unless someone had snuck over there during this brief, loud conversation to put my name on the door with those acrylic letters, then tip-toed back past me, the job was not done.

"No, you didn't do that. I need you to address this right away."

This week, C asked us to imagine our books on the bookshelf. She asked us to consider what we would like the brief reviews - the ones on the back of the jacket - to say about our book. The reviews could be from whomever we choose and should say exactly what we are hoping to achieve. This is a great exercise in behavior modification and is often used in therapy. For example, if you have a client who is working on smoking cessation, you get them to imagine what life will be like after they've achieved their goal. Picture it. What will it feel like when you're able to run that 5K without coughing up black death? See yourself crossing the finish line with bright and shiny white teeth instead of yellow and plaid-tinted incisors and breath that could kill Freddy Krueger. Imagine your hair being simply sweaty instead of encrusted in smoke and cancer.

Stuff like that.

J.C.

A lot of people have very serious concerns about DSM labels, especially since psychology/psychiatry are soft sciences. We can't put a dipstick into someone's head and measure how anxious or sad he is, so how do we definitively label someone with an illness we can't even really see? And I've bashed the DSM-IV before so I can't turn around now and be its best friend. It's a flawed tool used by shrinks, no doubt about that. However, part of the problem with the criticisms is the undue significance people place on mental health diagnoses.

In the simplest terms, a 'diagnosis' is a social construct. It's a collection of 'symptoms' that shrinks pull together to create a system for communication. Life becomes remarkably easier when you can say 'this person suffers from schizophrenia' and have another professional know to some degree what you are talking about. In many ways, diagnoses are simply shorthand. Today diagnoses are also required for insurance companies but that wasn't the original plan when they were developed.

I was particularly puzzled by this assertion because I could easily have named a dozen people who hated my guts and another three who had bashed this very friend the night before. "God she rubs me the wrong way," they all agreed. "She's such a bitch. I'd like to put her face on fire and then stub it out with a pitchfork."

If my friend ever knew these people felt this way about her she would have been not only terrified for her face, but would have been psychologically devastated. She truly believed (or at least really wanted to) that she was free from the disdain of others.

Head on over to MissAttitude.Us for the complete interview.

Q. It's been suggested to me that I'm not going to meet someone better suited for me if I keep focusing on the past negative situations. Do you think there's any truth to that?

A. There's truth to that only if your hyper-focus doesn't allow you to see new and better situations for what they are. There's no shame in remembering the negatives of life; it shows you've been paying attention and makes you less naive going forward. But when people have been burned they tend to associate any similarity, no matter how small or trivial, with the original offense. This is where it becomes problematic. The goal is finding a balance between using what you've learned and being open to what is fresh and new. I'm currently writing a book that probably won't teach you how to do that, but you should buy it anyway.